Sometimes You Have to Just Close Your Eyes and Jump

I got the good word from the future landlords today and broke the news to the folks at work. They seemed happy for me and the plans are for me to vacate by the end of next weekend. My lease at the new place starts this Tuesday so that I can start moving in the evenings. It took me a few weeks to pack the last time I moved and I don't have that luxury this time. I just have to bite the bullet and pay for two places at once. (At least that part is minimized to six days.)

When I first sat down to weigh my options, I compared the price, location, amenities and all that important stuff a person should consider when making a big decision like this. Sitting comfortably in my deluxe staff apartment, the answer was clear: STAY, STAY, STAY! The world seems awfully terrifying when you're cozy on the couch your apartment came furnished with, watching cable television that also comes with the apartment and doing free loads of laundry without having to leave the comfort of your home - including mid-week loads that need to be done on the fly. I mean, I sold my microwave after I left the last place because I thought I'd be staying here a lot longer. Now I'm not only down several hundred bucks for the security deposit that wasn't required here but is at the new place, but I also lose out on a microwave, dishwasher, LOTS of counter and closet space (not to mention a separate bedroom), free in-home laundry, and a bunch of furniture that would probably be nice to sit on or eat at in my new efficiency.

Just off the top of my head, I'm going to need shell out for a couch or futon, several rugs, some kind of dresser or wardrobe, DSL, laundry, and new tubes for my bike that I'll need for my short daily commute. That means being poor for a while again. With Christmas coming and two visits to LA between now and the end of the year, that while may be longer than I'd like.

The answer was pretty clear until I decided in my mind that I would turn it down if I got it. An apartment for one at this price does not come along very often. In fact, it is almost too good to be true! I thought about what my life would be like next month while trying to negotiate another difficult work-school schedule with all the powers that be. I thought about the way I seethe with bitterness whenever I have a bad day at work because the threat of homelessness looms whenever I even *think* about what life would be like just working part-time and going back to school full-time. Oh how I seethe! I also wasted countless hours of my life watching bad television just because it was there and I was *comfortable* on the couch. I thought repeatedly about how difficult my life would become by rushing into this huge transition, but in the end, it was clear that my decision should be based on the kind of person I want to be and not the kind of life I want to lead.

If you asked me a year ago what kind of life I wanted, it would be this - now. Earning a living, enjoying a deluxe apartment to myself, making progress toward my degree again and still having some extra dough to nourish a new hobby or good habit. (Hello, marathoning!) Still, the only times I can remember being happy and fulfilled were the times I spent out on the trails putting in the miles (and not nearly enough of them) and the short hours I could be with mister-man, both usually only one day a week, or two if I was lucky. Did I just not have enough time? Can't be it, considering how many episodes of "Hannah Montana" and "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends" I've seen while 'reading for class'. I invested a lot of time in "sticking it out" here to live the "luxurious" life and all the emotional salves that had to come with it. I watched television to medicate - to distract myself from all the things in this world that are too hard or too scary. I see a lot of people do this and I don't want to be one of them. I've lost my sense of purpose and have been carrying on haphazardly with the goals I created for myself months ago.

Yes, this is going to be hard. Yes, it will be scary. There are going to be a lot of things to get used to all over again and I'm going to have to be vigilant with my money and even more tight with my schedule. It will be a big leap, but I can't pass up future opportunity for what feels safe for now, because it's only for now. I won't let that false sense of security kill my spirit. This is not who I am and I can't stay here any longer. I just have to close my eyes, hold my breath and jump on into the deep end of the pool...

Sometimes Things Aren't So Clear

I may be moving to a new apartment in the next week or so. Or, I may get turned down by the owners or simply change my mind on Monday and stay where I am, comfortable in my familiar misery. It would be nice if these big decisions and last minute moves could come at more convenient times, like when I don't have my next several weekends booked and I'm not still recovering from my first marathon. But that would be too easy. That would make it way too easy to just pick up and move on to greener pastures, which seems to be one of my fortes in spite of how painful and exhausting it is each time I do it.

Mom has already expressed concern that I will put myself in a bad position by jumping on this opportunity prematurely and I thoroughly understand her concern since I'm right there with her. However, I am also concerned that this will be my one and only opportunity to secure a place to live which is not only affordable and roommate-free (a boon!) but also strategically located near public transportation and walking distance from campus and the office. Will I find another opportunity to do this when it's more convenient for me to move in December or January? I highly doubt it.

I should really start worrying about if I even have any friends left who are willing to help me move this 32" television. Or maybe even consider finally giving it up?





(...NOOOOOOOOO!!!!)

The Mr. Rogers I Didn't Know, But in a Way Always Did

Lawrence brought this to me through the lens of his tumblr, and I thank him and Mr. Rogers both.

Sometimes It's Because of Me

Sometimes I am a dickface. I was a dickface to my mom today because I could not handle the stress of being the head of the family in cell phone plan world. I could not handle the delicate balance between "YOU'RE USING UP TOO MANY MINUTES, MAN" and "STOP USING YOUR PHONE THAT YOU'RE PAYING MONTHLY THROUGH THE TEETH FOR," pawning the job off on my mom, and then being mad at her for an extended period of time. I did not realize this was such a delicate balance. I mean, I have a lot of frustration regarding this topic and am 90% sure that the occasional gray hair that sprouts up right at the top of my head above my bangs appears because of this particular stress. This is not exactly the ideal situation for me. Not ideal at all.

But when your mom starts to say you're giving her a headache after you just told her she gave you a headache and she needs to remind you that what she's using to pay for the bills is her social security money and dad's paycheck (when dad should have retired years ago), well, then you're just a dickface. I guess I am a dickface. But it was also good reminder that this really is for the best, my living out here. Because I don't feel that way usually. It only happens when I start taking down too many of those essential boundaries and lose some autonomy in the process. Ultimately, I have the power to choose my next action after an incident like this, which historically has been to curl up and cry and sleep a lot. Or eat. Or punch and kick inanimate objects and subsequently hurt myself by underestimating one of my targets. All of the above, really.

This time I chose to call mister-man for some cheering up and calming down. I told him about it hoping to be soothed by getting it off my chest, but instead I started to get all riled up again. When I realized I was just vomiting my frustration all over him (not to mention perpetuating it), then I calmed down. I guess it's sort of been a culminating week in my dickfaciness. I'd been a dickface to one of my closest friends this last several weeks too. I finally did something about it yesterday and now I get to keep my friend! I hadn't realized what a dickface I was being until I had let things get to the point where I was trying to imagine not being friends with this person. Then I got really upset and realized that the thing to do was just to stop being a dickface and forget about all the other stuff I had thought was so important to say.

Tomorrow I need to fix it with my mom, too. I can't be a dickface to my mom. She's my mom.

Sometimes It's Good Just Because, Too

It's funny that I got sad when mister-man first left today. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with difficulty... difficulty breathing, difficulty smiling, difficulty functioning. I had to keep reminding myself that I wouldn't have to wait a month or three to see him again, but it was hard to stave off that emotional panic. I hadn't realized how MESSED UP it was to be in a long distance relationship for so long. I don't have any regrets and, honestly, I'd do it all over again in a second, but life is so much better like this. It's like I was breathing through a straw for a year and all of a sudden I'm able to come up for air.

Mister-man couldn't use the facilities he needed back home so he had to make the hour-long drive up here again in the blistering heat with no A/C in his truck. When he came back, everything felt better. It was like the rest of me could finally believe my brain when it tried to say that he would be back soon! I guess I was pretty nervous about the whole thing. Reuniting and switching modes is kind of a big deal, even though the point is for it not to be such a big damn deal every time now. I thought it would take a few more weeks to get adjusted, but the unexpected return really helped things gel. It was good time, and there was no hurrying or saying painful good-byes. Just good.

It was also nice to have somebody else cook the porkchops since they always come out all screwed up when I make them myself. :)

Onward We Go

I was just changing the quotation on the whiteboard that lives in my kitchen from:

"It isn't the mountain we conquer, but ourselves."

to:

"Nothing's too far when one wants to get there."

My snazzy FranklinCovey planner helps quite a bit with the business of finding new (apt) inspirational quotes. It reminded me of something that happened to me last winter when I was still struggling with the move, the loneliness, the commute, and all the failure I had just come from. Here I was in a new city with a new job and a new life... but was anything different? Was I ever going to be able to shake it off and start anew?

At the time I was spending hours a day on public transportation. One night while waiting for my bus home, I noticed two men talking who weren't usually around. I overheard them talk about work (they apparently worked right across the street from that metro station) and were each on their way to visit a friend who lived along my bus route. When the first one got off the bus, I struck up a casual conversation with the one who was left. I'm not sure why; maybe we (the three of us) had shared a laugh over something that happened earlier or maybe I just overheard something and made a comment. Regardless, we talked a bit about why we were on that bus and of course I expounded on the topic of the day: my commute. (Heck, that was the topic of every day for those few months I lived there.) I joked that I should get a job at his office and we ended up talking about college and the degree I don't have. He commisserated politely as most people do and he went on his way a few stops before I had to get off.

Weeks later, I saw him again and we talked some more on the bus. We finally learned each other's names, which we didn't bother to do when we first met. I lamented the same lament and then he told me the story of his own college experience and shared an important secret with me. He said, "It doesn't matter how many times you fall down; it only matters how many times you get up again." When I think of that night now, I know that he was right. Indeed, part of me hoped that I would get a promotion (or two!), move closer to work and get accepted into a new college to finish my degree. I'm not sure I really expected to make it happen.

And, as someone else once warned me ("nothing solves all your problems"), living in this world can still be quite challenging. I'm sure I could fill a novel with what's ailing me at the moment. Still, as imperfect as this may be, it is perfect... just for me, just for now. I may have many (epic) failures in my past, but I know the power of getting up and trying again. Or even getting up to try something new. Thanks, Iman.

I would be remiss if I didn't end on my favorite (and for once, related) quotation:

"Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

(Thanks, Batman.)

No Life is FUBAR

Welcome to my latest blog slash life project: No Life is FUBAR. I decided to create this space today when I read this article in the e-paper:

Debtors Search for Discipline via Blogs by John Leland
The New York Times, February 18, 2007

When a woman who calls herself Tricia discovered last week that she owed $22,302 on her credit cards, she could not wait to spread the news. Tricia, 29, does not talk to her family or friends about her finances, and says she is ashamed of her personal debt.

Yet from the laundry room of her home in northern Michigan, Tricia does something that would have been unthinkable — and impossible — a generation ago: she goes online and posts intimate details of her financial life, including her net worth (now negative $38,691), the balance and finance charges on her credit cards, and the amount of debt she has paid down since starting a blog about her debt last year ($15,312).

Her journal, bloggingawaydebt.com, is one of dozens that have sprung up in recent years taking advantage of Internet anonymity to reveal to strangers fiscal intimacies the authors might not tell their closest friends.

I have my share of debt. Mostly student loans, but I now also have about $800 in revolving debt (whittled down from almost $1000 a little over a month ago). In the short two months I've had my own lines of credit, it has both saved my life and significantly diminished its quality. I think it is a brilliant idea to blog about it because debt is that dirty secret that many people carry, yet never seem to be able to share with the closest people in their lives. It's the pressure of that secrecy that perpetuates it more than any other single influence. I know it's hard for me, every single day, to explain why I have no life and why that's okay to my co-workers. One of them even jokes about how I'm poor, but I'm not sure he knows just how much or else he may not feel so comfortable joking about it. But I'm not calling this blog 'Go, Go Gadget Debtinator' for a reason (despite it being a very spiffy title). This isn't just about debt.

There are many reasons to be miserable in this world, and a lot of them are happening to me right now.

Many reasons, eh? And you're so miserable how? Where to start! Let's see... I live in a group house with a bunch of loud, dirty college students, and I hate being around college students. I work less than 3 miles from where I live, but there are big scary highways and cars zooming past on every road to the office, so it ranges from unpleasant to dangerous to ride my bike or run to work. Now that there's snow and ice everywhere, I ride a shuttle to work every day, but I have to walk for more than 10 minutes to catch the stop nearest my house and again from the stop nearest to the office. I don't get enough real exercise because I'm too achy and grumpy about this situation most of the time. I have no friends here except some nice people who work with me, but they aren't in debt like I am, nor are any of them half as poor as I am. They also all have their college degrees or are about to earn them in a few months time. I'm still waiting to hear from a school about if I even get to come and finally work on finishing my own.

Is that all? Of course not! My boyfriend is the only person who knew all of this about me until now, but he lives 900 miles away and we can't afford to see each other very often. We can't actually live in the same metropolitan area until late October, and even if the visits are spread out to every three months, neither of us can afford for the visits to last as long as a week. A few days is the most we can ask, and that sets us back an enormous amount every time we do it. I feel lonely and miserable almost every minute of the day, every day of the week. This is also due to the fact that I just relocated a few months ago and all of my friends and family are spread out over a handful of states from coast to coast. This sometimes makes me put undue pressure on my boyfriend, from whom just one hug or kiss would make me feel happy again, even for a few fleeting seconds. I am almost certain that when we finally see each other again, it will have been so long that we will seem alien to each other and nothing will feel real. It may take all the days of our visit for us to feel normal again, and then it will be time to separate, and everything that seems so gray to me now will go black and empty.

Wow, what a downer you are. But you know, there are people being ravaged by war and starvation in this world, so your life can't be all that bad. Funny you should say that. I agree. BUT, at the same time, 'not so bad' is not the same as 'good'. I used to see a lot of people who would complain about things that they had control over, and I'd think to myself that they made their beds and were responsible for their own situations. I always thought I would never do that! (How wrong I was.) After making some of my own mistakes, I realized that I hadn't been taking responsibility for myself after all and that plenty of work was to be done. (Eureka!) Since I'm the kind of person who likes to find the moral of every story and learn from every experience, that realization also led me to believe that if I worked hard enough to be a better person, took responsibility for all my actions, and tried to maintain a good outlook, that life would be all peaches and no suck. Because when life sucks, it has to be for a reason, right?

Well, now I know better. Sometimes it sucks just because.



But that's no reason to give up. No life is FUBAR!