Sometimes It's Because of Me

Sometimes I am a dickface. I was a dickface to my mom today because I could not handle the stress of being the head of the family in cell phone plan world. I could not handle the delicate balance between "YOU'RE USING UP TOO MANY MINUTES, MAN" and "STOP USING YOUR PHONE THAT YOU'RE PAYING MONTHLY THROUGH THE TEETH FOR," pawning the job off on my mom, and then being mad at her for an extended period of time. I did not realize this was such a delicate balance. I mean, I have a lot of frustration regarding this topic and am 90% sure that the occasional gray hair that sprouts up right at the top of my head above my bangs appears because of this particular stress. This is not exactly the ideal situation for me. Not ideal at all.

But when your mom starts to say you're giving her a headache after you just told her she gave you a headache and she needs to remind you that what she's using to pay for the bills is her social security money and dad's paycheck (when dad should have retired years ago), well, then you're just a dickface. I guess I am a dickface. But it was also good reminder that this really is for the best, my living out here. Because I don't feel that way usually. It only happens when I start taking down too many of those essential boundaries and lose some autonomy in the process. Ultimately, I have the power to choose my next action after an incident like this, which historically has been to curl up and cry and sleep a lot. Or eat. Or punch and kick inanimate objects and subsequently hurt myself by underestimating one of my targets. All of the above, really.

This time I chose to call mister-man for some cheering up and calming down. I told him about it hoping to be soothed by getting it off my chest, but instead I started to get all riled up again. When I realized I was just vomiting my frustration all over him (not to mention perpetuating it), then I calmed down. I guess it's sort of been a culminating week in my dickfaciness. I'd been a dickface to one of my closest friends this last several weeks too. I finally did something about it yesterday and now I get to keep my friend! I hadn't realized what a dickface I was being until I had let things get to the point where I was trying to imagine not being friends with this person. Then I got really upset and realized that the thing to do was just to stop being a dickface and forget about all the other stuff I had thought was so important to say.

Tomorrow I need to fix it with my mom, too. I can't be a dickface to my mom. She's my mom.

Sometimes It's Good Just Because, Too

It's funny that I got sad when mister-man first left today. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with difficulty... difficulty breathing, difficulty smiling, difficulty functioning. I had to keep reminding myself that I wouldn't have to wait a month or three to see him again, but it was hard to stave off that emotional panic. I hadn't realized how MESSED UP it was to be in a long distance relationship for so long. I don't have any regrets and, honestly, I'd do it all over again in a second, but life is so much better like this. It's like I was breathing through a straw for a year and all of a sudden I'm able to come up for air.

Mister-man couldn't use the facilities he needed back home so he had to make the hour-long drive up here again in the blistering heat with no A/C in his truck. When he came back, everything felt better. It was like the rest of me could finally believe my brain when it tried to say that he would be back soon! I guess I was pretty nervous about the whole thing. Reuniting and switching modes is kind of a big deal, even though the point is for it not to be such a big damn deal every time now. I thought it would take a few more weeks to get adjusted, but the unexpected return really helped things gel. It was good time, and there was no hurrying or saying painful good-byes. Just good.

It was also nice to have somebody else cook the porkchops since they always come out all screwed up when I make them myself. :)