Sometimes You Have to Just Close Your Eyes and Jump

I got the good word from the future landlords today and broke the news to the folks at work. They seemed happy for me and the plans are for me to vacate by the end of next weekend. My lease at the new place starts this Tuesday so that I can start moving in the evenings. It took me a few weeks to pack the last time I moved and I don't have that luxury this time. I just have to bite the bullet and pay for two places at once. (At least that part is minimized to six days.)

When I first sat down to weigh my options, I compared the price, location, amenities and all that important stuff a person should consider when making a big decision like this. Sitting comfortably in my deluxe staff apartment, the answer was clear: STAY, STAY, STAY! The world seems awfully terrifying when you're cozy on the couch your apartment came furnished with, watching cable television that also comes with the apartment and doing free loads of laundry without having to leave the comfort of your home - including mid-week loads that need to be done on the fly. I mean, I sold my microwave after I left the last place because I thought I'd be staying here a lot longer. Now I'm not only down several hundred bucks for the security deposit that wasn't required here but is at the new place, but I also lose out on a microwave, dishwasher, LOTS of counter and closet space (not to mention a separate bedroom), free in-home laundry, and a bunch of furniture that would probably be nice to sit on or eat at in my new efficiency.

Just off the top of my head, I'm going to need shell out for a couch or futon, several rugs, some kind of dresser or wardrobe, DSL, laundry, and new tubes for my bike that I'll need for my short daily commute. That means being poor for a while again. With Christmas coming and two visits to LA between now and the end of the year, that while may be longer than I'd like.

The answer was pretty clear until I decided in my mind that I would turn it down if I got it. An apartment for one at this price does not come along very often. In fact, it is almost too good to be true! I thought about what my life would be like next month while trying to negotiate another difficult work-school schedule with all the powers that be. I thought about the way I seethe with bitterness whenever I have a bad day at work because the threat of homelessness looms whenever I even *think* about what life would be like just working part-time and going back to school full-time. Oh how I seethe! I also wasted countless hours of my life watching bad television just because it was there and I was *comfortable* on the couch. I thought repeatedly about how difficult my life would become by rushing into this huge transition, but in the end, it was clear that my decision should be based on the kind of person I want to be and not the kind of life I want to lead.

If you asked me a year ago what kind of life I wanted, it would be this - now. Earning a living, enjoying a deluxe apartment to myself, making progress toward my degree again and still having some extra dough to nourish a new hobby or good habit. (Hello, marathoning!) Still, the only times I can remember being happy and fulfilled were the times I spent out on the trails putting in the miles (and not nearly enough of them) and the short hours I could be with mister-man, both usually only one day a week, or two if I was lucky. Did I just not have enough time? Can't be it, considering how many episodes of "Hannah Montana" and "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends" I've seen while 'reading for class'. I invested a lot of time in "sticking it out" here to live the "luxurious" life and all the emotional salves that had to come with it. I watched television to medicate - to distract myself from all the things in this world that are too hard or too scary. I see a lot of people do this and I don't want to be one of them. I've lost my sense of purpose and have been carrying on haphazardly with the goals I created for myself months ago.

Yes, this is going to be hard. Yes, it will be scary. There are going to be a lot of things to get used to all over again and I'm going to have to be vigilant with my money and even more tight with my schedule. It will be a big leap, but I can't pass up future opportunity for what feels safe for now, because it's only for now. I won't let that false sense of security kill my spirit. This is not who I am and I can't stay here any longer. I just have to close my eyes, hold my breath and jump on into the deep end of the pool...

Onward We Go

I was just changing the quotation on the whiteboard that lives in my kitchen from:

"It isn't the mountain we conquer, but ourselves."

to:

"Nothing's too far when one wants to get there."

My snazzy FranklinCovey planner helps quite a bit with the business of finding new (apt) inspirational quotes. It reminded me of something that happened to me last winter when I was still struggling with the move, the loneliness, the commute, and all the failure I had just come from. Here I was in a new city with a new job and a new life... but was anything different? Was I ever going to be able to shake it off and start anew?

At the time I was spending hours a day on public transportation. One night while waiting for my bus home, I noticed two men talking who weren't usually around. I overheard them talk about work (they apparently worked right across the street from that metro station) and were each on their way to visit a friend who lived along my bus route. When the first one got off the bus, I struck up a casual conversation with the one who was left. I'm not sure why; maybe we (the three of us) had shared a laugh over something that happened earlier or maybe I just overheard something and made a comment. Regardless, we talked a bit about why we were on that bus and of course I expounded on the topic of the day: my commute. (Heck, that was the topic of every day for those few months I lived there.) I joked that I should get a job at his office and we ended up talking about college and the degree I don't have. He commisserated politely as most people do and he went on his way a few stops before I had to get off.

Weeks later, I saw him again and we talked some more on the bus. We finally learned each other's names, which we didn't bother to do when we first met. I lamented the same lament and then he told me the story of his own college experience and shared an important secret with me. He said, "It doesn't matter how many times you fall down; it only matters how many times you get up again." When I think of that night now, I know that he was right. Indeed, part of me hoped that I would get a promotion (or two!), move closer to work and get accepted into a new college to finish my degree. I'm not sure I really expected to make it happen.

And, as someone else once warned me ("nothing solves all your problems"), living in this world can still be quite challenging. I'm sure I could fill a novel with what's ailing me at the moment. Still, as imperfect as this may be, it is perfect... just for me, just for now. I may have many (epic) failures in my past, but I know the power of getting up and trying again. Or even getting up to try something new. Thanks, Iman.

I would be remiss if I didn't end on my favorite (and for once, related) quotation:

"Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

(Thanks, Batman.)